I'm drowning . . .

. . . but am trying my best to doggy paddle and catch my breath . . .

For the past month I have averaged about 5 minutes of free time a day, which usually occur at random times. Those few seconds I allow myself to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling before peeling the covers off. When I sit down in my car in the morning and stare at the dash for a minute trying to remember exactly what it is that I do between 8:00 and 5:00. The doctor who is finishing up with a patient and makes me wait just another minute. The fifteen seconds that I stand still waiting on Ruthie to finish her business outside. The minute I stare at my sleeping baby in his crib before I go to bed.

And then I wake up and start all over again. Before I know it the days pass. Then the weeks. Then an entire month. This is great for a person in jail but not so good for a mommy who wants to hold on to every adorable sound and cry and word from my children. When some people see how busy my life is, they have told me the ridiculous statement "this too shall pass." Seriously, shut up. I don't want this to pass. I am not trying to hurry this stage of my life. I love to hear Mack cry because it means he needs me. I love to watch Mimi try to sneak away at a restaurant because it means she's smart and independent. Why wish it to hurry?

In the past month Mack has gotten his first two teeth and is sitting up. He flew on a plane for the first time and visited Disney World. He attempts to drink out of a sippy cup and gnaws on graham crackers. He laughs harder than the "baby ripping paper" on You Tube and eats more than a fat man. And he is without a doubt the cutest baby alive. I am not modest about this. Mack is my heart and I am head over heels in love with him.

Mimi has become a little girl. She doesn't act like a toddler. Girlfriend doesn't "toddle" anywhere. She walks with authority and her head held high. She has no problem telling me what she wants to order at a restaurant and when she needs to potty. She told me her ears were hurting and thanked me after I gave her the yucky antibiotic. She was a champ through the security line at the airport and the long and winding one for "It's a Small World." When I tell her she needs to be patient, she responds with, "Okay. Alright, Mommy." Within the three minutes we were waiting on our car in a parking garage, she had climbed in the security guard's lap and was helping her pass out keys. This week she has had some type of fever virus and has not felt good at all. But she sat still and thanked the doctor and nurses who checked her. She has also become more sympathetic. If Clint coughs or sneezes, she asks, "You okay, Daddy?" When Tinkerbell can't seem to do anything right, Mimi makes me look at the TV and says, "Oh, Mommy. Tinkerbell so sad. What happened?" When Mack is crying she tells me we need to check on him. She threw a toy in the air a few days ago, and it smacked Mack right in the middle of his forehead. And guess who cried more? My tough little bubby stuck out his bottom lip and fussed for a few seconds, and then Mimi completely fell apart and told him how sorry she was.

I don't know how I could love my children or the time I spend with them any more than I do. So it is not always fun for me to go to work anymore. I don't know why it is so different now than it was when I was in Memphis, but I miss them much more during the day. Okay, that's a lie. I do know why it's different. First of all, the actual job isn't too different -- believe it or not it's even better. I am beginning to really like most of my offices and the areas I visit, and we have a much better product to sell. But I do have to drive at least 45 minutes to get to my closest office (and about 3 hours to a few of them), and this could be longer on the way home if I hit the Loop downtown at the wrong time. I knew this when I started, but I had no idea how hard it would be to finish my work day only to realize that it might be a very long time before I ever get near my house and my babies. So I do like my job and working, but it's really kicking my butt right now. I need to apologize because I don't mean to sound so angry and bitter. I'm just really, really tired and overwhelmed with trying to balance work and family and I guess I need to vent.

So this is my excuse for being a crappy blogger lately. And pretty much crappy at everything else I once did for my personal enjoyment. Such as my new found love for sewing. I haven't even pulled out my sewing machine since I started working. I haven't read so much as a magazine article much less a book in months. But people do it all the time and have many more children and work longer hours than I do. And they still love their children and their children love them. Sigh. I think I need to DVR a few episodes of the Dugger shows and watch them while I'm getting ready in the morning for some perspective. Don't worry. I will catch up with pictures and funny stories before too long . . . I just need to take some swim lessons to figure out how to get out of this ocean . . .