Not really sure . . .

. . . where I'm going with this post, but I feel I need a filler post about nothing today to help me unwind after our trip to Memphis (which I promise to discuss in a later post that may happen tomorrow). Today will be a day of rest for us . . . although I did take a shower this morning. It wasn't a good shower -- you know the kind where you can wash your hair AND shave your legs -- but it will have to do for today. Because I plan to go nowhere. I'm already through 2 loads of laundry, have a pot of coffee on, just pulled some lemon poppyseed muffins out of the oven, and have the newest Southern Living laid out and ready to be purged of recipes. Mack is taking a nice morning nap in his swing, Mimi is hanging out watching Nick Jr., and Ruthie is curled up on a pillow on the couch. Hopefully this tone will continue throughout the day.

Uh oh. Spoke too soon . . .

Mimi is pulling Ruthie's skinny legs and making her squeal and Mack is fussing about his empty stomach and diaper that probably weighs about 5 pounds. Black coffee, please stay hot a little longer.

Okay, now where was I? Oh yes, just letting this post go where ever it wants to. When I taught high school, one of my favorite classes was Creative Writing (I do hope those kiddos are still writing, by the way. Please don't dissapoint Ms. Nixon). At the beginning of every class they usually wrote freely for a few minutes about whatever came to mind, and this usually led them somewhere very interesting once they starting being honest and put all their insecurities out of the way. So that's what I'll try to do for a little while.

And on the topic of being honest, I had an opportunity arise recently which caused me to do a little soul searching and be honest with myself about finding the best thing for me and my family. I had a job offer. Crazy that I would even think twice about this, right? Who would want to give up staying at home with two beautiful children to pound the pavement, work on reports, and be forced to deal with people who are not always very nice? It should be natural for a woman to want to stay home to take care of her household and teach and care for her children. Shouldn't it?

Then why did I even have to think twice about this? I made a new policy a few years ago that when faced with a decision such as this I need to listen to my heart, follow my first reaction, and make sure I'm talking with God a lot during the process. I guess a little reasoning is involved but a lot more heart. So I heard the voicemail while I was out shopping with my sister, and suddenly I became very excited. Without even thinking I already knew I needed to find out more. This wasn't a random call from a recruiter -- it was from Dianne, who is the Chicago manager for the company I worked with before moving to Chicago. The company I LOVED and the only job I've ever really been sad to leave. But what am I thinking? I wanted to stay at home. I mean, look at this face . . . those navy blue eyes, the funny little faux-hawk, his cute little nose, the pasta sauce on his gown that I spilled on him during dinner last night . . .

So after beating myself up, I finally called and then met with Dianne. And I accepted. Gladly.

Should I feel guilty about this? Am I being really selfish? Is there something wrong with me? I have asked myself these questions a bazillion times. I have some friends who think I am crazy, but I had to be honest with myself. I'm not sure I'm good at being a stay-at-home mom.

Let me rephrase. It's not that I'm a bad SAHM -- it's that I think I'm a better working mom. I know I've only given this staying home thing a couple of months, but I am not myself staying home. I wake up every day feeling unorganized and like I'm wandering aimlessly throughout my day. When I worked I knew what my goals were each day with my job and my household: Convert this office, have lunch with that office, buy more diapers, and pick up the dry cleaning. Now I have no schedule and no routine. And neither does Mimi. She thrived at preschool and was excited to see me at the end of the day. I rarely ever see her excited about me anymore.

Not only was I a better Mom, but I was also a better wife. Clint comes home from a stressful day at the office to a frazzled wife and a stir-crazy daughter. I am mad at him for being alone in his office and being able to speak to other adults and not having to eat PB & J for lunch -- and for actually having the time to eat lunch. I am mad at him for being able to use the bathroom by himself and for his time to unwind on his train commute and for the squeals and hugs from Mimi when he returns home at night. I am mad and jealous. And I do not conceal these emotions well.

So I'll be starting back to work in December, and Mimi and Mack will have a sweet nanny to play with every day. We met her last week and Mimi immediately loved her. She'll babysit occassionally between now and then, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed this all works out.

Okay, so enough of the heavy stuff. Here are some random photos that have been hanging out on my camera and deserve some blog time. No captions necessary.